Singapore tale

The final leg of our skewed quadropedal journey across continental South-East Asia before heading back to the Philippines (which is the closest place I have to a home now, though the type of unwelcoming home that only lets you stay 21 days before kicking you out again) was five days in $ingapore. Oh hang on, I accidentally pressed shift and 4 then instead of S, I meant $؋₪Gsa₱oR€. I'm implying they like money.

Another former Asian 'home,' I came to-and-fro a few times and got to know this slightly insane island city-state in the summer of 2011 (it's always summer when you're 85 miles from the equator) and had mostly fond memories. Indeed, after Vietnam traffic, Singapore's tyrannical laws made walking along the pavement a much less death-defying experience, and because the solarphobic population tends to lurk beneath the streets in the air conditioned sewer of shopping malls, I don't even have to share these pavements with anyone else.

Thinking about these subterranean consumer vampires put me in the mood to write another story. I ended up writing a different one based around Singapore's best and worst attractions, which you might recognise if you've been following my 'adventures' for a long time. Drags on a bit, doesn't it?

Hey ma look, it's me!

I was gathering together some photos of me from this blog recently after someone requested them, so I thought I'd share them with you. This is the most self-indulgent post I've ever made, even by this blog's usual Onanistic standards, but this chronological collection could at least be useful for nutrionists interested in charting my weight loss throughout my travels (apparently I got fat before I left Edinburgh and was a shrivelled wreck again by the time I got to Thailand - really? How did I not notice?)

Putting this together, I noticed that I really don't take that many photos of myself any more - like I don't feel the need to get in the frame as evidence that I actually visited a place (unless it seems funny). Either the novelty of having a camera was finally worn off, or I've become less vain over time. Says the guy who just spent a couple of hours compiling a blog post all about himself, consisting entirely of images of himself.

This is just photos of me that you've probably already seen (though some are from slightly different angles - exciting!) It might be me next to a thing, me doing a thing or me wearing a thing, but the subject is still me. Seriously, there are about 50 of them - this is the equivalent of my Facebook tagged images or something. If you're not interested in me, don't read more.

Macaques all, folks!

Bereaved macaque

One of the advantages of keeping up this travelling and OCD blogging well beyond most people's attention spans and memory capacities is that I can pass off re-contextualised pictures from older blogs as new material. Like one of those budget-saving episodes of American TV shows where the characters get trapped in a lift and reminisce about their antics back when they had funding.

My own funding situation should soon improve, so I'll be able to hire back the green screen technology, guest actors and CGI artists needed to keep up the sophisticated illusion that I'm travelling all over Asia, when in reality I never left Scotland. It probably would have been cheaper to actually go to these countries and do these things for real, now I think about it. But I can't eat that foreign muck.

Anyway, better get on with fabricating a tenuous segue to introduce these old monkey photos. Hey, do you remember when I was in those other Asian countries where they had macaques roaming around all over the place? What was all that about? I'd love to go back and revisit some of those adven... oh dear, the lift seems to have broken down. Well, we might as well pass the time remembering some of those kerrazy monkeys and their wacky antics. Do you remember... remember... remember... (Overlay warbling sound effect)

Literally everything I spent last year

In 2011 I visited eight countries and spent GBP 9,421.37

(average £785.11/month)

Is that a lot? An achievement in thriftiness? I'm not sure, and I don't really care either way. I'm still earning more than I'm spending and I can't put a price on the freedom my freelance career gives me (not because it's priceless, I'm just rubbish with numbers).

I expect 2012 to be similar in terms of aimless wandering, but it'll probably be more expensive now that I've left South East Asia. But there are other parts of the world where living is cheap, and that I haven't been to yet. Those two criteria are enough to put South America on the I'll-think-about-it list for 2012 - but not before I've been through the more expensive South Korea, Japan, Australia and New Zealand on my slightly illogical odyssey.

That said, now I've added up and taken a look at these figures for the first time, it turns out some of these Asian countries really weren't as cheap as I was giving them credit for.

Do first impressions count?

Day one in most countries I visit is usually pretty disappointing/frustrating as I'm forced to deal with over-zealous airport security, incompetent bus drivers and sleazy taxi drivers to get to my accommodation, hoping I don't have to share it with pests (bed bugs or English people).

Sometimes I get rained on as well (the fact that you're even reading this anthology blog means the weather here hasn't improved, or I'd have some tedious travel photos to show you instead).

These first days may be quasi-traumatic on occasion, but they're at least useful for setting the bar extremely low so that I'm easily impressed when/if things go right. And sometimes, they give an accurate indication of what I can expect during my time there.

Singappalling

Do you see what I did there?

There might not be much to see or do in Singapore, but this peculiarly well-ordered city is an oasis amidst the chaos of South East Asia. With its wealth of cheap food options and modern facilities, this place has become my base on this side of the world.

But saying all that, some of it's fucking shit.

Singa-poor

Do you see what I did there?

When I was travelling down the Malay Peninsula through Southern Thailand and Malaysia and the conversation topic of Singapore reared its ugly, lionesque head (on a fish body - how long would that creature last before devouring itself?) people would invariably complain about how expensive this place is.

Singapore likes to cultivate this affluent image, with its flashy malls and Filipino maids serving every loveless household (too harsh?) But unless you buy all your liquid sustenance from the needlessly extravagant Long Bar of the Raffles Hotel or insist on staying in the most luxurious and eye-catching hotels (and thus have a worse view than the people in cheaper hotels who can actually see your building - suckers), it's very easy to live cheaply in Singapore. It's not too far behind Malaysia, or even Thailand.

And with higher quality of life, well-behaved traffic and plenty of free attractions, you're getting considerably better value for money. Well, sometimes.

A childish day out again again again again again

Sentosa didn't quench my thirst for immature days out in Singapore - luckily Singapore Zoo was on hand for all my incarcerated wildlife needs.

Because it's Singapore, I correctly anticipated something more in the conservationist style of Taipei Zoo than the slightly harrowing leg-irons and irresponsible feeding of Bangkok's Dusit Zoo. The animals are still here to be ogled and laughed at (especially the ridiculous proboscis monkeys), but not touched.

Singapore - The Isle of Wight of Malaysia

Why they don't use that as the tourism motto is beyond me.

Possibly because any comparison between the Republic of Singapore and England's largest island fall flat if you think about it in any terms other than their positions at the bottom of landmasses (though I stand by the comparison between Haw Par Villa and Blackgang Chine). And both are places I'd like to return to one day - just keep me away from the British mainland.

Anyway, I'm leaving Singapore today, so here are some fun buildings. (Update: Turns out I haven't actually left yet...)

Ridged for her pleasure

Singapore isn't just a city/country of commerce and grotesque statues. It is mainly that, but they've also managed to hang on to plenty of green outdoor spaces amidst all the capitalism. Which is a good thing, because these people really need places to relax.

Not that they're really using them. I've spent plenty of hours reading and writing in massive public parks and seen about three people cycling by. When I spent an afternoon walking along the famed Southern Ridges Walk (which apparently cost 25.5 million Singapore dollars to construct), I only passed a few joggers and a couple of other tourists.

Considering pretty much everyone I've talked to in my hostel is here looking for work, rather than visiting for the sights (spending all day sending applications and waking me up with their corporate phone calls), this place seriously needs to learn to relll ('relax' + 'chill' - you try coming up with a catchier portmanteau).

I'm aware this is coming from me - someone who had little concept of the value of relaxation until a few months ago. But at least they have options.

They love performing for your amusement too

It's pretty clear that the animals at Sentosa's Dolphinarium are treated better than the wrestled crocodiles of Bangkok's Samphran Elephant Ground and the seals of Dusit Zoo.

But did they really need to make it so goddamn mawkish? Check out this nauseating spectacle of a girl meeting a pink dolphin (I didn't add the soppy soundtrack - they actually played this). You'd think some rich people got married or something.

Sentosa? No thanks, she already has a full complement of toes

These hopelessly oblique pun titles have been scraping the barrel for a while, but now I've dug through into a deeper barrel I didn't even know existed. It's a barrel of laughs!

Sentosa is Singapore's purpose-built leisure resort. It's as pristine, tedious and needlessly expensive as you'd expect.

Back in the land of the living

While the Ten Courts of Hell is undoubtedly the main appeal of Singapore's Haw Par Villa, it would be remiss of me not to give you an insight into the rest of this outdated, near-derelict attraction. Some of it's a lot scarier than what was going on in hell.

I've always had mixed feelings about cheap and shoddy 'theme parks' that substitute exhilarating rides for poorly sculpted dioramas, having encountered plenty of them during childhood family holidays around the coast of England (Blackgang Chine on the Isle of Wight was the ultimate example - unless it's finally fallen into the sea).

On the one hand, they're a nostalgic look into a time when kids were, supposedly, more easily pleased, and before one crazed man's ambitions could be hindered by things like market research and customer feedback.

On the other hand, they're fucking rubbish.

See you in hell

'We got totally lied to by our album covers.'

Bill in hell (Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey)

Remember I was concerned that I might have seen the best of Singapore on my first day here? I've never been more wrong about anything in my life. Today, I came across what is undoubtedly THE best thing in Singapore. Maybe in the whole of Asia. Hell, this might be the best thing there's ever been.

The Ten Courts of Hell at Singapore's hilariously dilapidated Haw Par Villa was apparently built to educate Chinese emigrants about their cultural traditions and beliefs, to keep them alive so far from home. But clearly, whoever built it had a bigger agenda than just education. There is no need for it to be as absurdly graphic as it is. I absolutely love it!

Like an over-zealous Sunday school teacher, this is an attraction designed to terrify young Chinese kids into being good, upstanding citizens. I first heard about it in a novel I read a while ago, in which a young Singaporean's grandfather took her here repeatedly to instil mortal dread. You can't imagine my delight to discover it's actually real!

There are only two ways this spectacularly grotesque attraction could be improved: if it included animatronics, and if I'd visited here when I was 10.

Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here

We came, we saw, we opened a bank

When refugees approached New York City in the late 19th century to begin their new lives, they were greeted by the proud, welcoming sight of the Statue of Liberty. When rich American businessmen arrived in Singapore in the 1970s, they were greeted by a lion-headed mermaid thing vomiting water.

Singapore is a nice but strange city/country. It's as if some mad, rich sultan gave a tropical island paradise to his nephew - a nephew who wasn't interested in preserving wildlife or even looking after his island's own heritage, and just built loads of skyscrapers instead. If you're interested in seeing the sights of colonial-era Singapore, going to Georgetown in Malaysia is probably your best bet.

I actually really like clean, efficient, silent Singapore, and there are still a few nice relics lying around. There's apparently loads of green here too, which is a relief, because I thought I'd once again exhausted all the main tourist sights within 24 hours of arriving.