Alrightgames: Euphrates & Tigris – Contest of Kings

Euphrates & Tigris: Contest of Kings

2005 / Strategy card game / 2-4 players

****

The unpopular diet, card-bonated version of the esteemed board game has one advantage in being several orders of magnitude cheaper than its parent. I was tempted by an unloved eBay listing for several months until it eventually dropped to a desperate enough price to be worth a try.

It's no 7 Wonders Duel, but it's convoluted enough to be an engrossing contest of wits, fortune and risks, though admittedly less risky when you're playing against yourself and have a rough idea of whether the other you has any reds or not. To solve this, I came up with a moderately engaging solo bot:

• The player sets up and takes their turns as normal. Catastrophe cards are not used.
• Place the opponent's kings on the even-numbered treasure cards at the start, in any order. They will never move to another kingdom. The opponent has no hand.
• On the opponent's turn, they draw 6 cards (easy), 7 cards (normal) or 8 cards (hard). They play ALL matching pairs (one card to the kingdom under the matching leader, one to their victory pile) and discard any leftovers.
• If the player instigates a challenge, the opponent draws 6, 7 or 8 cards in response (depending on difficulty) and plays all red cards drawn as defence, discarding the rest. This does not count as its turn.
• If an opponent's king is dethroned, it will use all red cards drawn on subsequent turns to try to reclaim its former kingdom until successful, playing and discarding other colours as normal.
• If the opponent plays 4 blue cards in a row, the player chooses their ship.
• The game ends when any kingdom reaches its maximum size or when the deck runs out.
• I think that's everything. Make up the rest or tweak it yourself.

Alrightgames: Kingdomino solo variants

Kingdomino solo variants

I get to play multiplication landscaping enough with my daughter, but when she's at school I sometimes want something lighter and quicker than Gloom of Kilforth, so it's good to have options. Here are some that players have come up with.

Crown of Thorns ****

Its single rule (the better the tile you choose, the more limited your options next time) is easy to remember, simulating a four-player game in 5x5 grids without bothering with the other three players. The only downsides are you don't get the satisfaction of denying someone their coveted tile and there's no one to blame for your rubbish options but yourself.

Dwindling Choices ***

A less distinctive title and more unnecessarily convoluted approach to doing basically the same thing, this time restricting your options to one of each of the four positions per four-round phase. I'd happily play this if he hadn't already come up with the more straightforward version above.

Princess Dorothy **

Simulates the two-player game with unclear scoring rules that seem to put the greedy automated opponent at a great disadvantage. More trouble than it's worth.

Bruno ***

Simpler automated placement and scoring if I ever feel I really need to beat an imaginary opponent rather than my high score, or if I really need to play with the giants.

Babyliography CCXLIX

Clare Helen Welsh and Sarah DeMonteverde, Collins Big Cat Phonics for Letters and Sounds: Oodles of Noodles

2020 / School book / 24 pages

**

I liked how they couldn't be bothered to end the story, so used those pages for a recipe instead.

Ann M. Martin and Gale Galligan, The Baby-Sitters Club: Dawn and the Impossible Three

2017 / Paperback / 150 pages

***

The new artist-adapter had a tough act to follow, but thanks to her imitably expressive faces, Gale Galligan is the young reader's favourite.

Unknown, Mad About Gymnastics

2015 / Library book / 32 pages

**

Only a little more helpful than the last one, we'll stick with YouTube tutorials.

Various, Usborne Art Ideas: Drawing Faces

2002 / Library book / 64 pages

***

Unfortunately too "scary" to give much of a go.

Dan Abdo and Jason Patterson, Blue, Barry & Pancakes: Escape from Balloonia

2025 / Library book / 128 pages

**

The latest quick-reading, interchangeable kids' comic team, but not one of her favourites.

Babyliography CCXLVIII

Michael Basman, Chess for Beginners

2021 / Library book / 48 pages

**

For want of Final Fantasy VII books in the library, we found an unhelpful guide to another game she's got into.

Unknown, How to Measure Everything

2018 / Library book / 18 pages

***

It doesn't go subatomic, admittedly, but it seemed more worth a try than another time-specific book she wouldn't bother with.

Sally Morgan, Collins Big Cat Phonics for Letters and Sounds: Beetles Around the World

2020 / School book / 24 pages

**

Another "disgusting" but educational one. I honestly think they're trying to toughen them up.

Paul Mason, Sports Academy: Gymnastics

2021 / Library book / 48 pages

*

Skipped the basic moves kids can try at home and went straight into the equipment you need to buy.

Ann M. Martin and Raina Telgemeier, The Baby-Sitters Club: Mary Anne Saves the Day

2015 / Paperback / 160 pages

***

Reinforcing Mary Anne as our favourite.

Babyliography CCXLVII

Ann M. Martin and Raina Telgemeier, The Baby-Sitters Club: Kristy's Great Idea

2015 / Paperback / 192 pages

***

A birthday boxset started early as a reward for helpfully downsizing her preschool library.

Anna Claybourne, Body Works

2014 / Library book / 120 pages

***

Just another body book.

Liz Miles and Monica Auriemma, Collins Big Cat Phonics for Letters and Sounds: Around the World in 72 Days

2020 / School book / 24 pages

***

They're almost real books now.

Mª Isabel Sánchez Vegara and Archita Khosla, Little People, Big Dreams: Princess Diana

2023 / Library book / 32 pages

**

An extremely sanitised retelling that doesn't mention the accident, except on the timeline at the end.

Shoo Rayer, Collins Big Cat Phonics for Letters and Sounds: A Helping Hand

2019 / School book / 24 pages

*

Even she found this one bloody tedious.

Alrightreads: Black or White, Witch or Ghost

R. L. Stine, Fear Street: The Knife

1992 / Ebook / 176 pages

**

This medical conspiracy thriller is barely recognisable as Fear Street aside from the customary trick cliffhangers, one of which should go down as a terrible classic.

R. L. Stine, Fear Street: The Prom Queen

1992 / Audiobook / 167 pages

***

"Now it looks like we've been nominated to... to die!"

An especially bloodthirsty one if you're looking to get your dead teenagers fix, with rampant paranoia and red herrings approaching piss-taking levels. I'm still having fun.

R. L. Stine, Fear Street: First Date

1992 / Ebook / 165 pages

**

Not such a fun, escapist one with its dual perspectives of an insecure victim and psycho killer and touching on child abuse, harassment and kitten murder, but sickos should dig it.

R. L. Stine, Fear Street Super Chiller: Goodnight Kiss

1992 / Audiobook / 216 pages

***

The inevitable vampire story is better than I expected, mainly for its subversive summer setting, though its squeamishness around actually using the word 'blood' is silly in a series that typically has no qualms about describing dismemberment.

R. L. Stine, Fear Street: The Best Friend

1992 / Audiobook / 147 pages

***

A more psychological one with what's probably one of the stand-out endings, though it's difficult to take completely seriously with all the desperate chapter-ending cliffhangers where a gun turns out to just be a water pistol and stuff.

Best and Worst of Star Trek: The Next Generation

My temporally confused rewatch and compulsive ranking of all seven seasons of tween telly favourite Star Trek: TNG is now complete, so what else am I supposed to do than celebrate the best of the best! And to dredge up the stinkiest shits again, because sometimes that's entertaining too. Make it so!

Top Ten TNG!

10. Relics (6x04)

Easily the best of the old-timer guest spots (including Generations), though for me, Scotty's return has always been literally dwarfed by the presence of the Dyson Sphere, one of the series' most mind-blowing concepts executed with conventional implausibility. The two come together in an exciting finale.

9. Who Watches the Watchers (3x04)

Star Trek's most outspoken atheist statement this side of the 60s, that probably gets the episode disproportionate love and disdain in equal measure, which might be what I'm doing right now, but it's also the most effective demonstration of the Prime Directive and there are nice callbacks to the classic series with the return of Vasquez Rocks and parallel evolution.

8. Remember Me (4x05)

Wesley's getting a bit old for these science project screw-ups, but it treats his mother to her best episode of the series. The mystery of the vanishing crew ramps up from creepy to hysterical, and her comrades' trust despite Beverly's seemingly deranged conspiracy ramblings is touching.

7. First Contact (4x15)

This inverted perspective is exactly the kind of next-level episode The Next Generation should be doing, complete with diverse characters who behave like real people for a change. Eleven-year-old me never would have believed that he'd one day prefer this random talkie episode over its exciting movie namesake.

6. The Measure of a Man (2x09)

A fantastic episode not only for its android subject, but also for Picard and Riker, as white humans debate another being's rights before a black character points out the ramifications. The point about humans being biological machines has always stayed with me, and the questions about artificial life will become ever more relevant, so I can even look past some horrendously out of scale model shots.

5. Q Who (2x16)

They may be an especially kid-baiting villain and overused in the long run, but these initial Borg outings still hold up as some of the best episodes of the series, and the threat and hopelessness are especially palpable in this one. It's so memorable as their introduction, it's easy to forget that the story's mainly about Q being really needy. What does the title even mean?

4. Cause and Effect (5x18)

If there was any episode I didn't need to see again, it's the one that repeats itself multiple times. But even after so many goes around, the nerds' Groundhog Day is still riveting, from the most iconic cold open of the series to the eerie premonitions and creative efforts to escape the loop of doom.

3. The Offspring (3x16)

Always my favourite Data episode, don't worry about the technobabble, just experience the feelings that he can't have. My last rewatch was before I became a father myself, so it'll only have grown more powerful now.

2. The Best of Both Worlds (3x26)

I was worried that I might have outgrown the Borg, but when I watched this two-parter again for the umpteenth time, the ominous dread was palpable. Things wouldn't get this convincingly desperate again until Deep Space Nine approached the Dominion War. The foreshadowing of Riker's hesitance to take command sells the jeopardy brilliantly, even when you're not watching in 1990.

1. All Good Things... (7x25)

One of the first episodes I saw and probably the most frequently watched, revisiting this now-legendary finale after my own comparable time skip cemented it as my favourite of them all. The convoluted time puzzle is a cool sci-fi story, self-contradictory plot holes and all, and it would have been a spectacular send-off for the crew, but their story wasn't over yet.

Turd Ten TNG!

167. The Dauphin (2x10)

Wesley gets a crush, just when he was on the mend, and there's a parade of unconvincing creature suits. It's some light relief after heavier instalments, but who is it aimed at? I thought it was just as crap when I was in primary school.

168. The Naked Now (1x02)

They might have got away with this later in the year, but rehashing a 60s plot as your second episode just looks lazy, making everyone horny just looks desperate, and breaking down the characters before they've even properly formed yet is just pointless. This might be Wesley at his cringiest too, even before infection.

169. Too Short a Season (1x15)

A couple of firsts for the series in its first Starfleet Admiral with a shady past (under Roddenberry's watch, too) and an underground Phaserquest shootout, which would become a fixation in a couple of years. I always thought the old-age acting and make-up were satisfactory, but that character isn't interesting enough to hijack a whole episode.

170. Angel One (1x13)

Another popular season one anti-classic, I'm less troubled by its confused gender politics than with it being so boring and lame, especially with the completely forgettable virus padding that's only there to give the rest of the cast something to do. There's also much teasing of an exciting Romulan return that amounts to nothing.

171. Sub Rosa (7x14)

The most infamous episode this side of 'Shades of Gray' deserves the bad rap. Star Trek's a flexible format, but supernatural Gothic romance is a warp jump too far, and contriving bonnie Space Scotland in season seven is an embarrassment. Nana Palpatine might have pushed it across the so-bad-it's-good border if it wasn't for all the excused rape.

172. The Outrageous Okona (2x04)

A topping of 80s cheese sometimes makes the bad episodes watchable, but then they overdo it and it just stinks. If TV Han Solo sexing up half the ship and Space Dynasty aren't bad enough, this is also the one where Data does stand-up, setting the low bar for filler B-stories until Voyager came along. Outrageous indeed.

173. Manhunt (2x19)

Lwaxana Troi at her predatory worst, an unnecessary Dixon Hill retread and Doctor Who-quality aliens are the bad ingredients for an episode where characters spend half the time waiting around or being bored. The season running a few episodes short may have been a blessing.

174. Code of Honor (1x03)

Formerly one of the most forgettably dull entries in the first season, its notoriety as that racist episode has grown in the online era to the point that it's now probably the most infamous of the entire show.

175. Hide and Q (1x09)

Season four's 'Qpid' is off the hook, as a memeable death scene (he got better) doesn't excuse this from being easily the worst Q episode and close to the bottom of the pile generally. Cheesy, childish and pompously pointless, it feels like what fans of the time would have dreaded the sequel series being like. It's not even a proper pun.

176. Shades of Gray (2x22)

A clip show is almost doomed by design in this sort of judgement, but up against some real stinkers from the year, they didn't have to try too hard to make it at least watchable. Unfortunately, the bare minimum effort is insultingly shit.

Season ranking: 3 > 5 > 4 > 6 > 2 > 7 > 1

Season 1

Season 2

Season 3

Season 4

Season 5

Season 6

Season 7

Alrightgames: Kurushi & Kurushi Final

Kurushi (a.k.a. Intelligent Qube) & Kurishi Final: Mental Blocks

1997/98 / Sony PlayStation emulator games / 1-2 players

****

Three decades on, I couldn't tell you any other games that were teased on our original PlayStation's demo disc, but this brutalist survival puzzle was the memorable highlight, and it only took me this long to play it AGAIN.

AGAIN.

It'd be diverting enough as a simple blocks puzzle, but having a guy run desperately around trying to avoid getting crushed in real time adds a relatable existential horror aspect that makes it compelling. It's Bomberman meets Knightmare as a low-budget Canadian film. It's nearly perrrrrrrrrfect.

Alrightgames: Golems expansions

The Matchbox Collection: Golems expansions

My set only included the one mini expansion, and that only added one new card type, which isn't all that different from the existing type. But it's not like I supported the Kickstarter anyway when buying these cheaply off eBay, so I can't really complain.

Sound and Time ***

'Sound' golems are handy but limited wild golems that act as a mobile resource too. 'Time' golems were already present in the base game, but now there are more of them that can be used as wild resources, which makes things easier. Not that you're supposed to use them in the solo mode, but I use them anyway (playing an extra 9-card round and setting aside 2 cards at the start rather than 5) so they don't have to stay in the box and I can actually win sometimes.

Alrightgames: Golems

The Matchbox Collection: Golems

2020 / Card game / 1-2 players

****

One of the better efforts in the collection, and certainly the most attractive, this is like Splendor with primordial monsters and cryptic iconography that I eventually got my head around without needing the reference to hand. The solo mode feels like a bit too much of an abridgement of the two-player game, but this at least means it's quick and doesn't drag out my defeat. Though I prefer to add in the mini expansions that I'm not technically supposed to for more wild cards and an extra round that rebalances the game more fairly at my level.

Ranking The Matchbox Collection

1. Eiyo ****

2. Golems ****

3. 15 Days ***

4. Rebis ***

5. Space Lunch **