Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Greatest tits



I've been writing this blog for nearly a year now - stubbornly refusing to keep a travel diary of my experiences for what seemed like a long time, but can only have been a week at most (it was in Florence that I wrote a couple of entries on WordPress, before getting pissed off and switching to good old, unreliable Blogger).

One of my favourite features of Blogger (aside from its dodgy spam detection filters that mistakenly restrict access to my blogs and then finally restore them after I lodge an appeal, but with all the images accidentally, permanently deleted) is its 'Stats' button, which allows me to autistically keep track of everyone who stumbles across my pages through Google image searches for sexy teachers and Michigan cheerleaders.

And sometimes a travel-based search term too. But let's be honest, it's mainly the sexy teachers and cheerleaders.


Sexiest search terms




I can't really get pissed off at this depraved audience, because when I performed my own Google Image searches for the pictures illustrating this very blog post, I can't say I hung around the source websites afterwards. Though I'd hazard a guess they weren't someone's travel diary using the pictures semi-ironically like I am (but who am I to judge? And does it still count as irony if you find them slightly genuinely exciting?)

Here are some of the top search terms (and ones I just found funny) that have brought people to my blog through Google. Other search engines are available, but why would you use them? Are you trying to prove something?

I've linked to the specific blogs these queries relate to, when I can actually tell and it's not just insane.



hot teachers



which country has the hottest bitches (slightly different phrasing than I used)

top 10 asian country which has most hot girl

asian hymen (I used this phrase metaphorically in my blog - my guess is they were after something a little more literal)

chinese vs south korean girls easier (good luck with that)

how to surround myself with hot women (can't be any help there)


inspector gadget's niece penny (ah, a man of refined taste)

raymond written in chinese (ah yes, that common Oriential name)

alien wasps (do they even exist?)


camel won't do everything (I hope this one isn't sexual... but then why wouldn't you want to see it going all the way?)

big dead fish

kuala lumpur me (did they expect to find a photo of themselves by searching 'me?')

moral grey area (pretty much sums up this blog)

gay site:http://freelanceflaneur.blogspot.com (someone specifically typed this. Twice. Was it you?)

white supremacy string bracelets (believe it or not, this isn't the scariest search term that's brought people here - there are some others I really don't want to type)

disgusting (of all the depraved pits on the filthy internet, this brought someone to mine)




I daresay some of these people will have been extremely disappointed by what they found - such as the guy looking for 'asian girls going all the way,' which I found quite charmingly coy for a porn search (possibly presumptuous of me to assume it was a guy. It definitely was though).

I'm also aware that listing all these sensitive keyphrases here in this way might only serve to make this page a big hit for further sex-obsessed search terms in the future. Goddammit. By way of apology to people who accidentally arrived here looking for teachers getting sexi, I've included a couple of bonus saucy photos for you.

Used ironically, of course. Well, semi.




Most popular posts (as of September 2011)


Do I really want to teach English? (1,444 page views)

Sexy teachers.


Why are all the Americans I meet from Michigan? (901 page views)

Cheerleaders.


Malacca - A study in scarlet (380 page views)

This is confusing - there are no heaving breasts in sight. Do people really want to look at my travel photos? Or could it be the unrelated discussion about sexy teachers in the comments thread that's drawing the perverts in?

Travel evidence - Theban Necropolis (373 page views)

Travel photos that mostly aren't mine, as photography restrictions in the tombs meant I had to steal them from elsewhere. Which makes them better than mine and understandably more popular.

Ner ner ner ner, ner ner ner ner, Batu Caves (351 page views)

Pretty obvious why this one's popular - ample-bosomed Hindu cow-woman goddess Kamadhenu is herding them in like cattle.

Two human breasts plus four cow udders - that's even better value than the mutant prostitute in Total Recall! I don't think we need any more proof that Hinduism is the best faith - if this year of blogging has taught us nothing else, it's that it's all about tits.


16 comments:

  1. Since these comments will mostly be me giving updates of the latest stupid searches, today has already yielded 'canary sleeps with closed eyes' (who am I, Chris Packham?) and 'dear fork.'

    Maybe that's someone searching for expensive forks, but I like to imagine it's the start of a polite (but essentially passive-aggressive) letter from a teaspoon, concerning the fork's loud and lewd behaviour keeping the rest of the cutlery drawer awake at night.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am a teacher, (and almost certainly a very sexy teacher at that!) and I stubbled across this blog by typing in those exact words.... 'sexy teacher'

    I kinda like your blog though... think I might hang around, see what else you got to say about teaching (and other stuff too).

    ReplyDelete
  3. I might as well rename it The Sexy Teachers Blog. Your blog's interesting too - when I was a pupil, it never really occurred to me that teachers had actual lives and personalities. Even the sexy ones.

    ReplyDelete
  4. More odd search hits:

    'putrifaction corpse' - this phrase doesn't appear anywhere on this site, but there's loads of dead stuff, so take your pick.

    'how to draw a brachiosaurus' - my new favourite, especially as this budding dino artist didn't go for the more mainstream 'diplodocus' or incorrect 'brontosaurus.' Brachiosaurus is king of the sauropods.

    I just feel bad that they was taken to an irrelevant post about Chiang Mai trekking.

    ReplyDelete
  5. 'big cocks'

    'hilarious homos'

    Nice to know I'm attracting (and disappointing) people of various tastes.

    ReplyDelete
  6. 'granny with big pubes' directed someone to my Koh Samui photos.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Recent hits:

    sexy aliens (I guess this is pretty sexy?)

    swastika face dog tattoo (nope, I've got no link for that)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Extremely specific search query:

    celebes crested macaque front legs

    Extremely non-specific:

    things in museum

    Things I can't help with:

    how to turn your kid straight book

    who was the first man to find a church (presumably they mean 'found' in another sense, unless churches just sprout from the ground like leeks)

    Still getting a disconcerting amount of traffic for 'granny fanny' searches too. Maybe I should edit that post, I hate to disappoint these people.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm still getting mostly beard related terms, but I liked these from the past week:

    борода росомаха (online translator tells me that's Russian for 'Wolverine beard')
    mens goatee styles (implying there's a market for women's beard styles?)
    is Scotland bigger than Tasmania (relevant!)
    two Tasmanian Devils (but no more)
    cherry ripe heavenly (maybe if I keep writing about them I'll get free samples)

    I mainly just like the Russian one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I haven't had any funny/stand-out ones in a while, though maybe I've become jaded. I don't get many foreign language ones either, even with the Mandarin obscenities I've included sometimes. But I don't think my website's available in Arabic and other languages like your global beard union.

      Delete
  10. Not a lot to report recently, but some of my favourites:

    am i dead yet (this might be my new favourite)
    monkeysex
    horse shitting/horse shit
    sexy dream dresses
    cats of greece calendar 2010 (someone searched for this in 2012 - too old to be useful even at a bargain price and too recent for nostalgia)

    ReplyDelete
  11. black guy surgery bart simpson (I hoped this was related to a real cosmetic surgery story, but doesn't seem to be)

    childless man (correct)

    why are you so sexy (one of the great mysteries of the universe)

    sexy učitelka (Czech word for teacher - interestingly, some of the first-page search results for 'učitelka' (without the sexy) are about teachers stripping and making porn films, so it seems there's a bit Czech market for this filth)

    ReplyDelete
  12. an actual rat on my face (not one of those lame mice, an actual rat)

    horny sexy asian big tit girls (he knows what he likes)

    cock n bollocks (I like the use of 'n')

    ReplyDelete
  13. New updates will be here, this comment thing is annoying.

    ReplyDelete
  14. lanakan biggest boobs techers
    sexy schoolgirl
    sexy teachers in sri lanka
    woman having sex with another woman

    ReplyDelete