Friday, February 18, 2011

Why are all the Americans I meet from Michigan?



I'm not one to make sweeping generalisations (generally speaking), and exaggeration is the last thing I'd ever do, but from my detailed study into the backgrounds of travelling Americans (i.e. asking attractive yank girls I meet where they come from), an unlikely proportion hail from Michigan.

From these findings, I can only conclude that the Wolverine State is either an inspiring and influential place that instils its youth with a longing for international travel, or that it's just a really, really rubbish place that people can't escape soon enough.

My pseudoscientific findings aren't as unanimous as my groundbreaking study of English people abroad (if you don't recall, they are all dicks), but when more than half of the Americans I talk to tell me they come from the same state (only the eighth most populous at that), you have to wonder if something's going on.

To compound this bullshit science with the sort of abused stats beloved by Ben Goldacre, Michigan supposedly had a population of about 9,883,640 last year, and was the only state in the Union that decreased in population (0.6%) since the previous census. That'll be the 59,301.84 wayfarers I keep bumping into then. Or maybe just baddies that RoboCop killed (you try springing a Michigan-based pop culture reference from memory).


What's going on, Michigan?




To their credit, the yoopers and trolls I meet (yeah, I know your nicknames - and can wield them with all the cringeworthy skill of a grandparent trying to learn the names of the Pokémon) are all really good people. In fact, it may be this friendly and outgoing nature that gets us talking in the first place and skews the stats, while the silent Californians and Nebraskans fall off the radar.

The shaky stats don't end there though. Based on my unreliably small sample group (that makes even Andrew Wakefield's devastating autism 'study' look scientific), I've also determined that male Michiganders all have beards and are creative types, while female Michigeese are all beautiful in that American high school show way (where they're played by 25-year-olds so it's not weird that I said that). Most of them have names beginning with J.



This is my second most visited blog post (1,770 views), because I unwisely featured an image of Michigan 'cheerleaders' (who were about as authentic as all the sexy teachers). Rest assured I will curb any further accidental hits that threaten to bring this blog out of obscurity


I've met a few Americans who don't come from Michigan, but judgementally found most of them not to be very interesting. Weirdly for my preconceived notions, the few Canadians I've met have ended up being the biggest dicks of all (second to the English, of course). Why can't all North Americans be a bit more like they're from Michigan?

12 comments:

  1. Hello.... Came across this! Just a little bit of info. Michigan State University has the largest study abroad program in the country. This may help explain the travelers you encounter. Also, the environmentalist movement from the 1970's was started in Michigan to help preserve the Great Lakes, encouraging appreciation of mother earth, both near and far. Thanks!
    -Dana(Michigander)

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  2. Ps.... I think you have posted a picture of Chicago, which is in Illinois ;)

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  3. Goddamn Google image search, expecting me to have any kind of real geographical knowledge. Image now replaced with generic Lake Michigan shot.

    Thanks for the quality control!

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  4. you are the idiot here. brits are the worst by far. always angry because we took our rightful land. whatever

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  5. your the idiot here, brits are the worst by far. always angry because we took our rightful land. whatever

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  6. and is this supposed to be a true color image or an infrared image? at least explain what the map is genius

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  7. Wow, 6:40 to 6:55 AM - this post really affected you, Anonymous.

    Your unprecedented xenophobic argument was building momentum, until it deviated into meteorological confusion - try harder next time.

    B-

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  8. I love Anonymous; getting angry because he/she agrees with you that Brits are indeed the worst.

    And that's a map? I thought you were just posting images that resembled flaccid penises again. At least explain that it's a map, genius.

    (I originally used 'phallic images' in that paragraph, but checked and it only relates to upstanding members of society. Is there a similar word for limp cocks that I could put in place of 'phallic'?)

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  9. He/she (let's be honest - he) is right though - I can't get over [whichever nationality Anonymous is - American? Canadian?] taking their rightful land. Whatever that means.

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  10. I am from Michigan and I will tell you I do have the itch to travel. My only time across the pond was spent in Ireland and I loved the experience. Yet, most Michiganders love their state and will always return home. DETROIT IS NOT MICHIGAN! I grew up in this city of decay, but look on your map we have more coastline than any other state and they are beautiful! From sand dunes taller than the statue of liberty to cliff faces of cemented clay I personally feel it is our magnificent views of fresh water and skies unpolluted by city lights that give us this urge to find out what else is out there. For this same reason we always come home. And yes, I agree Brits are stuck up assholes... almost as bad as Texans.

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