Taiwan is a very peaceful country. There's no hassle for tourists, no drunks on the streets and no cacophonous prayer calls bellowing five times a day. Even when they're forced to make a sound, the Taiwanese like to use pleasing musical jingles to brighten things up - like the Beethoven bin men, the Family Mart door chime and replacing the dialling tone with classical music.
It's just the people who visit Taiwan who can be inconsiderate dicks.
When you're sleeping in hostel dorms, you're all in the same boat (not usually literally, unless you're in some kind of wacky novelty accommodation in a harbour). I haven't seen or experienced any theft or other forms of foul play, but that doesn't mean people don't routinely piss me off.
If only everyone could be a bit more like me, but without the social anxiety and lack of direction, as then we wouldn't get anything done. Here's the new constitution.
Things you shouldn't do in dorms
Zipping and unzipping that bloody bag
How much stuff do you have? I'm travelling indefinitely, and I've got one medium-sized rucksack of clothes (with two zips) and a laptop bag for everything else (one zip). What do you need so many zips for? Are your clothes really that hazardous that items need to be kept separate for fear of what might happen if they make contact?
I don't understand how you can spend an hour each day on those damn zips. I'm not exaggerating either. When I've admitted defeat in trying to get back to sleep and put in headphones to block out most of the irritation with some nice Forseti or something, they're still going at it once it's finished.
What the hell are you doing? How many items of clothing can you possibly wear simultaneously? If you knew you'd be heading off on an excursion that demanded precise outfit coordination, why didn't you sort this out the night before? You cretinous dick.
Don't misuse alarms
If you need to get up early, by all means set an alarm. As long as you ensure that your phone is within easy reach of your hand and can be switched off reflexively as soon as you hear that tell-tale initial vibration, so you don't have to subject the rest of the room to the shrieking din.
Let's be clear about the purpose of alarms. These are reminders you can set in advance - at any time of your choosing - to inform yourself that it's time to wake up now. Not almost time to wake up - if you wanted five more minutes, you should have thought ahead and set it for 07:05, you bastard. You're awake now, deal with it.
Whoever invented the snooze function is an arse too, but not as much as the person who repeatedly presses snooze every single time to delay their rise and give them another five minutes of precious, interrupted sleep. Meanwhile, I'm not able to sleep as I'm just waiting for the bloody thing to go off again.
Worst of all are the people who leave the room and forget to turn off their alarms, or don't put their phones on silent. I don't want to hear a minute and a half of your shit ringtone in the morning, SWITCH YOUR FUCKING PHONE OFF.
Shut the fuck up
Most hostels have a common area, which is where you should have your discussions about slags and other English pastimes. If I'm in there and I have to endure your conversation, that's fair game - but don't bring it into the room when people are trying to sleep.
And don't switch on the light before checking whether anyone's clearly asleep in there, then say "oh, whoops!" and switch it off, as if you're surprised that people might be asleep at 1AM. IMAGINE THAT.
On a similar note, you may be surprised to learn that the door to the bedroom is not a soundproof forcefield that means your conversations won't be carried as soon as you leave, but it's usually just made of wood. SHUT YOUR ENGLISH FACE.
Things it's okay to do in dorms
There are some things you can do in dorms, which might annoy other people but don't get to me. It's fine if they can't be helped - it's just inconsiderate people that bug me.
You can snore, by all means. Be sick all over the American guy in the bunk below you too, if you really can't help it. Getting up to go to the toilet is fine if you're quiet, and as long as you actually make it to the toilet (but if you really can't make it, feel free to use the American guy - he's already spoiled).
While the Taiwanese are mostly pretty good at keeping the noise down, they aren't immune to my indignation either. The locals like to celebrate Chinese New Year with the somehow fitting activity of setting off explosions in the street at all hours, but there's a more pressing issue that vexes me all year round.
What's with the spitting? Why is it socially acceptable for men and women of any age to honk up a gobby jellyfish and eject it onto the pavement, to be trampled over by unsuspecting passersby? Sort it out, Taiwan!
