Saturday, March 11, 2017

Absolutely pointless nostalgia: Obscure childhood VHS

I spent a lot of my childhood in front of the telly. As soon as I got home from school, it'd be straight to BBC One for a couple of hours of Children's BBC until that hit the impassable Newsround barrier, then catch up on the last couple of hours of Children's ITV thanks to the magic of home video. No difficult Sophie's Choice dilemma in the Warburton household (plus, that way around you could fast-forward the adverts).

But this was the late '80s / early '90s and children's TV wasn't on around the clock, so I also had a healthy supply of commercial videos to tide me over. Typically, these collected two arbitrary episodes of a popular animated series that would embed themselves in my memory through repeated viewings to the extent that I could still probably recite the scripts verbatim 25 years later ("planetary alignments come and go, but pizza is forever" etc). But sometimes, they'd be a bit stranger.

These underdog videos didn't have the budgets of Hollywood animation studios. Some of their origins are uncertain. Most of them have been preserved for undeserved posterity on YouTube.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Ranking Robert E. Howard's Conan stories

I've never been the biggest fan of sword 'n' sorcery fantasy, nor brute violence. Whenever I played fantasy-based video games as a teenager, I'd invariably choose to play as the most morbid or ridiculous character available, rather than the meat-axe warrior who had a much easier ride.

So it was surprising when, at one point, I got a bit obsessed with the 1982 Conan the Barbarian film. The one starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, in which James Earl Jones turns into a snake. It was around the same time I developed my Manowar problem. Was it the dark, mythic atmosphere? Ancestral memories of simpler, crueller times? The pecs? I eventually recovered... or did I?

I read Robert E. Howard's horror stories a couple of years back, to see where he stood among his pulp contemporaries. Horror didn't seem to be his forte – but then, I didn't like Lovecraft's twee fantasies either. So let's see if reading The Top 28 Conan Stories awakens anything in me, violent, homosexual or otherwise. I'm going to get sick of that soundtrack.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Persians: The Americans of cats?

"Is it a Persian?" the woman at the pet shop asked (presumably not in English), as she scanned the week's supply of kitten food.

"No, a Filipino cat," my wife replied (Ibid).


"What breed is it?" the dog owner at the vet asked, inspecting the cat carrier.

"No breed, a Filipino cat."


Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Ranking Alan Moore's Swamp Thing comics

There are still vast tracts of Alan Moore mindscapes I have yet to explore. I could have knuckled down to his 1,000-plus-page novel, or finally ticked off some of his less appealing ventures like Tom Strong and Promethea, but every few years, something keeps drawing me back to the fetid, squelchy, strangely erotic Louisiana swamps.

Moore's Swamp Thing stint is tediously legendary, but for the purposes of this, I'm going to ignore how revolutionary his psychecological sex scenes and feminist werewolves are and just celebrate how much I like these stories, respectively.

It helps that it's mostly episodic, and the occasional contractual crossovers and awkward Batman cameos make ranking The Top 45 Alan Moore Swamp Thing Stories less intimidating than trying to review something immaculate like Watchmen or From Hell. I wouldn't want to show myself up.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Wilbur's diary

gggggggggggggggcccccccc ouuuuuu        ;rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr//lll;;;; 'o

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Ranking the H. P. Lovecraft stories

Like some contemptible illiterate seeking out the novel that was made into that film they like, my interest in Lovecraft's oeuvre has been rekindled by reading Alan Moore's dense comic mash-up Providence. I know: comics! Did I first come across Lovecraft when researching the American horror canon, or was it bloody Metallica? You got me. I hope the original stories have pictures too so I don't get lost.

Each of the early Providence issues adapted one well-known work, so even the casual Lovecraft reader could feel smugly satisfied that they got the references. But then the nonsensical panels build up and you read online annotations by people who really know their Mythos, pointing out how Moore's taking a sly swipe at that bit of criticism you've never heard of in a subtle gag that's not meant for you, and you feel like an idiot.

So I figured, later rather than sooner, I should swot up on the basics at least. And why not trivialise this literary enrichment by making a list while I'm at it? This exercise has also been useful for building my mental library of terror tales, so that if I do have a child, I can scare the shit out of them on demand and make them weird. "No mummy, I don't want to go in the ocean! Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"

Here's my unreliable, definitive guide to The Top 104 H. P. Lovecraft Stories. According to my variable moods over the past month, anyway.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Two down: Cathy gets pasteurised

Kitty Abortion Totalizer

It turns out there was something inside Mimi after all. And this was just a cat I grabbed at random because she had the right equipment. She wasn't even one of the fat ones. There are fat ones.

After a few days in veterinary confinement (that must have been loads of fun), she's safe and sound back wherever she likes to hang out now. She still comes over every day for cat biscuits and guilty strokes, she's very forgiving. Though I'm assuming she doesn't quite understand the magnitude of how much I've interfered with her life and feline rights.

Obviously I would have preferred if she wasn't pregnant, alright? But considering the last kittens that were born around here (that I know of) either died or ended up blind (and he'd be dead too if it was down to nature), I know I'm preventing generations of fluffy suffering.

But you can think I'm evil if you like. My Dave-ao Death Squad isn't going to stop any time soon. Today it was Cathy's turn.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

One down: Mimi gets the snip

It was an unnecessarily complicated journey to get Wilbur's mother spayed.

Except... that's not Wilbur's mother. (Isn't that a painting?)

Friday, January 13, 2017

Kitten update

Welcome back to the cats 'n' books blog! Or whatever this is these days.

Don't be worried by Wilbur's dramatics: he's only playing dead. But sadly, the little guy was a lot worse for wear when we came home after two weeks away.

If you're a bit sentimental where cute kittens are concerned, please enjoy the above photo and don't keep reading, or you're only going to get upset and then you'll start me off crying again. When he's had his week at the vet, I'm sure he'll be okay.

Friday, December 30, 2016

Substantialreads: Faves and worsties 2016

I imposed limits on my reading this year, to avoid things turning out like last year when my non-working life was consumed by the typed/spoken word. Due to basic probability, I didn't discover so many new favourites this year, but nor was I bored and irritated anywhere near as often.

I started out by trying to restrict myself to one (hopefully) good, substantial book a month, taking the time to savour its flavours rather than rushing through as many as I possibly could. But that was just too restrictive, so after sneaking in an extra book each month (two for February, three for March), I decided to make that the new thing (four for April, five for May, six for June, seven for July, eight for August, nine for September, ten for October, eleven for November, you get the idea).

I themed each month around whatever I felt like at the time. But because moods can change, I cheated and read them in whatever damn order I felt like. I even read some other things, for review purposes or just because I wanted to. I didn't even make myself write fastidiously image-wrapped paragraphs about some of those, I do sometimes allow myself to enjoy things without turning them into chores.

On that note, here are the obligatory year-end time-wasting stats.