Highlander II: Revenge of the Disgusting Bugs

The Cameron Highlands aren't only a place for weak British tourists to escape the oppressive Malaysian heat - people actually live and work here too. Imagine that!

I thought it would be a worthwhile and interesting activity to see how local produce like tea, honey and strawberries are cultivated. It wasn't. But at least there were some freakish bugs to keep me entertained - even if I disappointingly wasn't allowed to eat them this time.

Highlander

Gunung Brinchang at 6666 feet

(The PIN Number of the Beast)

The Cameron Highlands are the cure for what ails me. I've been having a bit of trouble with the climate since I arrived in Malaysia - it started as soon as I landed in Thailand really, but the flooding that took place in parts of that country during my last couple of weeks there seemed to temper the weather somewhat, which was a nice relief (I just hope no one got caught up in the catastrophes).

But after a week of getting burned and dehydrated during the day threatened to turn me into a vampire who only sees Malaysia by moonlight, I realised that one way of combating the problem would be to head Up. And conveniently, the Cameron Highlands were nearby (perhaps a little toooo convenient? No, I don't know what I'm talking about either).

The Curse of Kellie's Castle

I was pretty excited to find a genuine Scottish castle out here in Peninsular Malaysia. That's genuine Scottish insomuch as it's built in Indian design by Indian labourers, many of whom mysteriously DIED during its construction.

Could this be sensibly attributed to the outbreak of Spanish flu that spread from Europe to Asia after the First World War? Or could it be that Kellie's Castle... is CURSED? You know, the same way Egyptian tombs and Oliver aren't. This sounds like a job for an experienced paranormal investigator...

Cavedave

I don't often get involved in activities that rhyme with my name, mainly because I'm not into raves and I'm not skilled enough to use a lathe (Mr Whitehurst gave me my first 'D' in metalwork, and my life was a downhill slope from there).

I like caves though. And graves.

Royal pain in the Azlan

The self-styled Royal Town of Kuala Kangsar doesn't feature on many travel itineraries of Malaysia. You'd think I'd have learned by now - especially after such pointless places as Dulan - that this probably means it isn't massively worth spending my precious time visiting. But with my generous Malaysian visa putting me under less time pressure than I had in Thailand, I mistakenly thought this meant I could visit any old place and have a worthwhile day out.

However, that wasn't accounting for renovation work, reclusive sultans, dehydration and the leg anxieties of a non-existent god, which together meant I hardly got to see any of this place. I am perhaps slightly bitter. The fact that when you get down to it, most of these 'problems' can be blamed squarely on myself is of no consequence - Sultan Azlan Shah owes me my afternoon back! Even if he has an enviably cool name.

Still, the architecture's pretty impressive, right? Though it's not like I got to see inside any place.

The Secret of Monkey Beach

So it turns out Penang is really nice once you get out of Georgetown, which means my new favourite hobby of visiting remote corners of tropical islands and hanging out with the local monkeys didn't have to stop when I crossed the Malaysian border. Not when the cheeky rascals have a whole beach dedicated to them in Penang National Park.

Those unfamiliar with LucasArts' classic 1990 adventure game The Secret of Monkey IslandTM may find that some of the more obscure references go over your heads. So much the same as usual then.

Look at photos.

By George! (Town)

This is what The Real Georgetown looks like: no pavements, typical Asian traffic and charming open-air sewers making their valuable contributions to the fascinating bouquet of disgusting smells. Welcome to Penang!

But it isn't all bad, especially when you head to the Historic City of George Town World Heritage Site (wow, UNESCO really hands these things out) where Malay, Chinese, Arabic, Indian and colonial influences mix on every street, and cultures from all over the world get together to celebrate their different, incorrect beliefs (don't you know Raëlism is the true faith? Stupid earthlings).

So plug up your nose, look upwards and share the wonders I've seen. (It's mainly old buildings and stuff). This is what happens when you give a detailed tourist map to a borderline obsessive person with an afternoon to fill.

You haven't seen the last of me, Thailand!

Things started off quite logically... but that didn't last very long

Thailand is probably my favourite country I've visited, and I probably had the best consistent six weeks of my life here. I'm a bit sad that it's over, really - if only there was some way I could go back...

What, like going back the same way I came out? Or getting a regularly scheduled cheap flight from anywhere in the world? Thanks to the dodgy and slightly annoying beauty of visa runs, I could have spent a lot longer in Thailand if I wanted to, but it feels like it's time to move on before I start to take it for granted. There's too much planet left to explore anyway, before I turn into my Nana and spend every summer holiday of my life in the same Devonshire harbour town without trying anything new.

I'm having too much fun here anyway - I miss the cynical bastard I used to know so well. Hopefully Malaysia will be a big pile of shit, but knowing my luck it'll end up being fantastic. Great.

Krabi?

Surprisingly not, considering how little sleep I'm surviving on at the moment. Between overnight bus journeys, early starts for day trips and late nights entertaining the ladies (and the ladyboys, and the ladybirds) I have every right to be a grouchy bastard, but somehow Thailand keeps exceeding my already sky-high standards and keeping me happy. How irritating!

Do you remember those ace rocks sticking out of the sea that I took thousands of photos of in Ang Thong? Well it turns out Krabi is where they live! Add monkeys and minus souvenir stands, and you've pretty much got paradise. I wish I could spend more time here.

Thailand typos

An overdue compendium of broken English, unintended entendres and things I just found funny in Thailand.

With a large tourism industry meaning more people are fluent in English, there was less here to choose from than in Taiwan, and to be honest the funniest things you'll hear tend to come from the mouths of tuk-tuk drivers. You're only getting part of the experience in the visual medium.