Malacca - A study in scarlet

Malacca was probably really nice until someone decided it would be a cool idea to paint it a nauseating shade of red. What were they thinking?

Like Georgetown, the historic centre of Malacca is a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Because places need to be full of European-style colonial buildings to qualify as significant, obviously. So I wouldn't bother with the rest of Malaysia if I were you - it's all just foreign nonsense.

Learning 'Malaysian'

Malaysia's cultural diversity is one of the things I like about it most (apart from the food, the scenery and the girls [TBA]).

But while this multicultural melting pot is the reason behind many of these great experiences (including the food - sometimes ironically prepared in a melting pot), the downside of this ethnic smorgasbord is that it can be more difficult to converse with locals - as depending which state, city or even which side of the street you're walking down, the local language might be Malay, Arabic, Hokkien, Cantonese, or none of the above.

If you're the sort of considerate, respectful traveller who likes to make the effort to learn a few local phrases, this can mean working a little bit harder. But better to get tongue-tied trying to pronounce Arabic numbers than arrogantly assuming English will be spoken everywhere. Which it is. Even between Malaysians of different ethnic backgrounds, who typically use it as the de facto national language rather than learning to speak like their neighbours.

They only become fluent in two languages? That's just lazy. Not like me, with my sketchy German and bits and pieces picked up from other places I've been, most of which I pronounce wrong. Nope!

What the bloody hell am I doing?

Last November I wrote a 50,000 word novel in a month. For fun. It wasn't. I'm glad I did it though, mostly for the experience and also the slight satisfaction of getting something out of my brain and into a .doc file (that you'll never be allowed to read, so don't ask).

This satisfaction wasn't really worth the self-imposed stress - as you'll see from this downbeat and hostile post I wrote when I finally finished the bloody thing - but at least I can now say I've written a novel. A scruffy, slightly confused, massively padded novel, but it's all about the word count, right?

And what else was I going to do with those two free hours per day anyway, when I wasn't visiting tombs and writing for a living? Watch through all of Battlestar Galactica again? Talk to people? Don't be ridiculous! No, taking my laptop to a remote Wi-Fi no-no area and compulsively clicking Word's 'Recount' button in the hope that it might magically skip a digit was the best way to unwind in Jerusalem, Cairo and Luxor.

I'm an idiot. But a creative idiot, at least. One who clearly doesn't learn from his mistakes...

Kuala Lumpur? No, she walked into a door

I was a bit nervous about going to Kuala Lumpur, after other tropical capitals I've visited didn't exactly leave a great impression. I'm mainly talking about Cairo. Dirty, noisy, stinky, sexually harrassy Cairo, which I had nightmares about for a week after I finally got out of there.

It turns out KL isn't as bad as Cairo, but even with lots of green around and a cool sci-fi monorail zipping above the Frogger-style traffic, I still prefer smaller cities any day. Unless they're Kota Bharu, obviously.

Ner ner ner ner, ner ner ner ner, Batu Caves

The Batu Caves just to the north of Kuala Lumpur combine two of my favourite Malaysian pastimes: exploring caves and hanging out with dangerous wild monkeys.

Disclaimer: Batman does not appear in this blog post.

(There is a dead bat skeleton though)

Malaysia's Got Singers

'What is there to do in Kota Bharu on a Saturday night?' you may find yourself furiously shrieking if you wind up in Malaysia's most conservative and tedious city.

Well calm down, unchain that brick from your ankle and step back from the disgusting river bank, the answer is simple: head to the Cultural Centre to see weird old guys and sweet girls singing the traditional Kelantan hits in a face-off that smacks of that well-known TV programme, Britain's Got Singers.

(That's what it's called, right? That's what you idiots watch, right?)

It's about time this blog went multimedia. Check 'em out!

T.A.I. Friday

So far, the places I've stayed in Malaysia have been predominantly Malay or Chinese neighbourhoods, so I was looking forward to finding out more about Islamic-Malaysian culture at the various museums of Kota Bharu in Kelantan.

As if to demonstrate my Islamic ignorance (or forgetfulness - as I lived in Egypt and Israel for a couple of months last year and should have remembered stuff like this), I chose the worst timing for my visit by arriving on a Friday when everything's closed.

Islander

I realise a fair few of my blogs over the last five weeks have been about my trips to beautiful tropical island paradises (that was only five weeks ago?), and that this may be getting a bit boring for readers. It's not like I've been to thirteen different places (cities, islands and Highlands) in three different countries during that time to mix things up a bit, right? (Cambodia still counts...)

Well, if you are sick of seeing me relaxing and enjoying myself in incredible surroundings, TOUGH NOOGIES! Here's some of the publishable stuff I got up to on Malaysia's most excellent Perhentian Islands. Featuring friendly sharks and massive lizards.

Malaynutrition

I like getting local insight into places I visit, and in Malaysia more than anywhere else, people have been pointing me towards the food I should be eating, rather than highlighting tourist attractions, activities or the best budget brothels (these placed further down the list).

I'm not exactly a food connoisseur, but I'm getting better at treating eating as an enjoyable activity rather than a biological necessity to be taken care of as cheaply and expediently as possible. While this means I probably miss out by not fully appreciating (or even noticing) some excellent cuisine when I chomp it down, it also luckily means I haven't developed any annoying preferences or eating habits that would restrict my options. I am truly game for anything, even if the results are sometimes bloody disgusting.

I should have paid more attention to the great local food I was eating in Taiwan, but this was tricky considering my substandard Mandarin meant I couldn't even read the menus, and I had to resort to pointing at walls and enjoying my mystery dinners. But since I've been in Malaysia (and evidently developing some form of obsessive compulsive disorder if you've seen my blogs lately), I thought I'd give this Malayzin' food the attention it deserves.

Highlander III: The Skunk Hunters of Gliese 581 g

Alright, so the Orang Asli tribe come from the Cameron Highlands, not some distant exoplanet. But I felt like I was walking in an alien landscape (again) as I squished my way through Malaysia's only mossy forest. It was ace.