It's been 20 years since I sat at the family PC, bashing out a stream-of-consciousness critical commentary in real time, for some reason, as my youngest brother watched the video of Animafilm's 1973 adaptation of Robinson Crusoe, for some reason. Little did the angsty teenage critic know he was creating his own "stupid" and "pathetic" historical relic to be mocked in due course.
Fortunately, I didn't put it on the internet... until now, in a special illustrated edition that might help those unfamiliar with the cartoon (there must be some people) to understand where 14-year-old, casually homophobic me was coming from. Sadly, this involved breaking up the original WALL OF TEXT into more legible paragraphs, which spoils the effect somewhat.
Added emphasis and [footnotes] when 34-year-old, slightly less homophobic me felt the need to chime in. If you're watching along, I only made it as far as 25:40 (out of 1:14:30) before getting bored. If you can't be bothered to read the whole thing, ctrl+F for 'gay' and 'thick' to get the gist.
May, 2000
Robinson Crusoe- A Haven of Inaccurate Facts (What the hell are they trying to teach kids?)
THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT ARE COMPLETELY HISTORICALLY INACCURATE, STUPID or BAD FOR CHILDREN'S VIEWING FROM THE PATHETIC CARTOON OF ROBINSON CRUSOE MADE IN THE '80's.[1]
At the start, we see the ship getting thrown by the wind and sea around, dangerously, but every time a scene changes, the boat is either tipping slower or faster than normal.
In Robinson's quarters, for example, it is tipping slowly, but from an exterior view it's insane. And how can the people keep their hats, etc. on during this?
And when the captain gets water in his pipe, he wouldn't be able to blow out the water, like that. That's gay.[2]
Another thing: why doesn't Robinson's ink spill? And how can he write neatly when the boat is shaking like a pedophile in a nursery?
And how can the guy in the crow's nest jump about like that and not fall to death?
Why are Robinson's legs crazy, and why does his chair not tip over when it slides all across the deck with him in it?
As if the rocks would not slice through the boat, and when the guy falls off the boat and regurgitates a fish, how? Did he eat one a bit before, and therefore eat it whole? That's a bit thick. And why would fish be out in the open sea and not in hiding under rocks when there's a violent storm brewing, and let themselves be pushed down a man's sick throat?[3]
Plus, after this, we see Robinson on a desert island, with his face in the sand.
Looking at the boat, the sea has been calm for a long time, and so that means a lot of time has passed since he washed up there. Then how come he doesn't die of suffocation while his head is buried? And how come his clothes aren't the slightest bit dirty?
And where the hell does that crab come from?
And that swordfish must be clever. It seems to be able to display human emotions and has arms and fingers, and a nail file to file his nose, and makes a drilling noise as he slides through the water?
And as if it would be able to say "Momma!"
And when it tears Robinson's trousers, as soon as he steps up to the deck they're mended.
And when Robinson goes into the darkness of the cabin, how does he get lit up? Where is his light source?
And then, after that, he finds the animals: how can a parrot, two cats and a dog that never moves survive that disaster, while a crew of the toughest sailors with all their speed, agility and training cannot?[4] And how come the animals can talk? And communicate with Robinson Crusoe?
And how come there appear to be steps leading to the cabin when he goes down, yet when he runs up he leaps over them all, and runs superhumanly quick into a barrel that just happened to be huge enough to hold a man, and have a convenient eyehole there?
And before he jumps in it appears to be full and small, but suddenly drains and enlarges for Robinson.
And when he gets out, it is full to the brim! And when Robinson emerges, he's covered in water. I thought he was in his depth before, and his head wasn't in the water, and why does the barrel shake when he comes out?
And the cats' fur couldn't extend that far.
And when the male cat tries to run, he slides about a million times before getting his footing. Not very realistic, is it?
And when Robinson turns to see the parrot, his head turns a full 180 degrees?
And then Robinson's body suddenly spins 180 degrees to meet his head in less than a second.
And the female cat's tail goes too long when it picks Robinson's nose for him.
And how do everybody's eyes get that big? And as if a dog that's normally dead quiet could roar.
And has anyone noticed the homosexual issues rising when Robinson kisses the cat passionately, and the parrot guy?
And when Dozy snores, why do opaque black lines come out of his mouth, then vanish? Has he got a disease?
And why does Poll's touch make squeaky sounds, and Dozy doesn't sleep all the time by choice, he simply can't stay awake because of the inherited disease that makes his eyes made of shiny metal that takes a lot of strain to open, as seen and emphasised by the rusty oil noise it makes.
And this film should be examined by the RSPCA when it shows a dog being cruelly pulled and stretched by the ears across a hard, wooden floor.
And when we see Robinson's hand as he tells them what to do, he only has four fingers, poor guy (that includes his thumb for any smart people who are actually gay, like Chris), and then... instead of encouraging the animals... he swears at them with his two fingers!
And then we see another of poor Dozy's genetic disabilities, that his ear is also made of metal and takes a lot of effort to pull up. I think Robinson's really cruel to make this poor, sick dog work harder than he can.
When they are taking stuff to the shore, there are just too many stupid things going on. One is that Dozy manages to kick the cannonballs, a fantastic feat showing that his toes must also be made of metal. And why are there white lines on the cannonballs?
And Robinson very easily manages to lift and lightly place an extremely heavy, wooden and metal barrel on the boat that would not hold that much, anyway? And the raft could not hold a cannon, etc.!
And how cruel Robinson Crusoe is, to put wooden planks on top of poor, diseased Dozy.
And how could the cat get up to the top, without ripping the sail?
And the sky suddenly changed colour from pink to yellow.
And when they build the fort, why are all the planks of wood exactly the same length?[5]
And how can the male cat can stay in the air so long, even when weighed down by a rock? I'm starting to worry about him. And throwing rocks around is dead dangerous- it could kill someone.
And when wooden planks, very dangerous, are being thrown, the woman cat dares to look away to look at her mirror. Tut, tut.[6]
And the RSPCA should examine this bit, too, as the female cat is hit by a peice of wood. Very, very cruel. And it's by a man, so that raises issues of smacking women around and treating them like dirt.
And her feet are metal, too- she can kick wood far, without hurt.[7]
And how can her mirror not smash when it lands on her he- oh God! That's another instance! Dozy must be jealous that no woman fancies him, and so he is secretly trying to destroy his mate the man cat's lovelife, too.
And how come Robinson has got dodgy nails: some of which only need one hammer, while others need to be banged three times.
And the thatch would have ripped when the man cat slid down it.
And when they dance, they dance to music. Where does that come from? And it's a gay song, too.
And as if Robinson couldn't hear the man cat shouting the message to his battered-up wife, but can hear the woman cat saying it quieter!
And how can Robinson fart a load of white gas out when he runs into the house? He must be so scared he's pooed his white pants, not seen since the "Nosy Parker" scene.
And as if you'd leave a sleepy dog in charge of the entrance. What kind of sane person would do that? No wonder he didn't make captain!
And when he crawls with his gun, he leaves no marks in the sand, and the bit where he goes under the sand- that is just so totally THICK. What the hell goes on there? He goes under a hole which should have caved in, and then we see his body through it moving, and not displacing any sand.
That bird was right to laugh at him- I would, too, if I saw something that thick.
And how come all, and I mean absolutely every one of them cannibals except the chief and chef, how come every single one looks exactly the same? It's thick! And how do they breed? Where are all the women? They can't possibly breed with each other- (actually, now that I think of it, that's probably the reason behind them all looking the same).
And why, when you see from behind their feet are the other lot really far away, but when you see a normal view they are close?
And how can the chef wear a modern-day chef's hat? And as if they'd write in quill pen- and why are they using English numbers?
And- get this, this bit is too stupid to describe- when Friday is put in a pot, for about five minutes, and kept there, he comes out perfectly fine, with not a single burnmark, while one drop of the mixture burns the chief's mouth so much it goes green (well, that's also thick).
And it burns the chef's foot. Has Friday developed some kind of immunity to heat?
And how do the cannibals row so damn fast? They're gone in seconds!
And as if the child would befriend Robinson.
Next[8], when he shoots at the tree, his gun does not work. He loads the musket and it is ready to fire, and then Friday quickly climbs the tree and grabs the coconuts. Now, this itself is too thick to be true, but what if Friday had been a second late: Robinson would have fired, and he would be killed.
Next[9], Robinson tells his men (well, animals of assorted varieties and genders) to give him a good name. Then he says "I know! Let's call him Friday!" I mean, what kind of name is that? As if you'd be cruel enough to call a kid Friday. This is the kind of thing that needs to be thought about, not just choosing the first thing you see (in this case, the day note on his diary- which, incidentally, would have been destroyed when he was washed out to sea). Actually, it was probably just revenge against his parents for naming him after a Blackcurrant juice company.[10] (All this is bad enough, before you consider the fact that Poll's "Baby the Belcher" idea was actually a better name than Robinson's choice, even though Robinson says it's rude and thick[11]).
Also, Friday picks up English extremely quick, like when he says "Robinson, Robinson- coconuts!" And later "No, no funny!" and "Robinson- no yum yum!" Some of these words he's never heard before!
And how come when he swallows a spoon tip, a relatively small thing, he feels sick, while before we see him easily gobble down four carrots with no trouble at all.
~ ENDS, thank god ~
Notes
[1] 1973, actually. Who's "COMPLETELY HISTORICALLY INACCURATE" now?
[2] Strange that I conspicuously kept things clean with regard to swear words, maybe worried my mum would see it, but considered this to be more acceptable slang.
[3] Most of this is me taking things tediously literally and pretending not to know how cartoons work. Hilarious!
[4] See: Red Dwarf.
[5] I skipped a minute and a half here, maybe I went to the toilet. Also: they brought the planks with them from the ship, you thick gay!
[6] There are other criticisms to make of that characterisation that you didn't notice.
[7] Gay grammar.
[8] Over six minutes later. I was flagging.
[9] This was before that.
[10] A proper joke, if crap.
[11] Not a direct quote.
