Monday, March 21, 2011

Oliver's Bangkok Diary (by Dave)

Disclaimer: The attitudes ascribed to characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to what Oliver actually thought is marginal at best

I met Oliver in Bangkok this week (honestly: above photo hasn't been doctored). This was a coincidence, because I thought he was in a different hemisphere. We were even staying in the same dorm, almost as if this was somehow planned.


It was good to see Oliver's familiar beaming face through his rap industry standard beard, and I was glad to see that he had finally cut his hair to a respectable length.

'I just realised that long hair is for women; men have short hair,' he explained. I nodded, not letting on that we'd known that all along.

Oliver has been emotionally scarred by his experiences in India, where ladies touched his face and everyone wanted his money. India has also made him scared of traffic, and he becomes distressed when there are no pavements.

'It's so good to be around white people again,' Oliver said.

'That's a bit racist, Oliver!' I chided.

'Oh god, not you as well,' Oliver sighed. 'I thought you were on our side.' I didn't ask what he meant.


Oliver has recently been mistaking unfortunate coincidence for divine judgment, and believes he might be cursed as some kind of Harbinger of Death. One of his goals in Thailand is to visit a temple where he can pay to get a blessing, so he can stop ruining the world for everyone.

But when we went to the top of the Golden Mount and I asked if he wanted to take part in kua cim, he had no interest. 'Those sticks just have Thai words on them - that's no use to me,' he observed. 'It's basically gobbledygook.'

'Oliver!' I said.

We went along Khaosan Road and saw lots of fake ID stalls and massage parlours, which aroused his attention. 'Do they do "happy endings" here?' Oliver asked.

'I wouldn't know Oliver,' I answered. 'I have no interest in that.'

'Neither do I,' Oliver quickly replied, but his silly beard was too thin to hide his disappointed expression.

We went to eat some Thai food with other people from our dorm. Oliver probably would have preferred pie, chips and peas, but I thought trying a little local culture for once would be good for him. He ate everything on his plate. I was proud of him.


At night time we went to Sukhumvit, and crowded six people into a tuk tuk designed for three (if you can call tuk tuks 'designed'). This was extremely fun. Oliver was annoyed that I kept saying 'no' to drivers when they asked if we wanted to go to a ping pong show.

'It could be interesting?' Oliver attempted. 'You were saying I should see more of Thai culture, after all.'

'Not this time, Oliver,' I said. 'It would be horrible.'

'Yeah, that's what I meant,' he pretended.

We ended up at a vaguely English-style pub, as a treat for Oliver because he'd been so good at trying multiculturalism today. Oliver ordered a local Chang beer, rather than Heineken, and I was proud again. There is hope for him yet!


  1. I have no complaints with the accuracy of this report.

  2. This is what happened when I phoned Oliver the other day:

    *Ring ring*

    Oliver: Good day?
    Jemma: Eh hiya!
    Oliver: By jove, am I glad to hear the voice of a white person!

  3. Jemma's transcription also looks to be word perfect.

    Having re-read Dave's post, however, I have come across your deliberate mistake. In the second last paragraph of 'Afternoon' you've mistaken 'silly' for 'wonderful'.

  4. I'm clearly just jealous of your man-face.

  5. You guys are cute. Worrying, but cute.