Thursday, November 4, 2010

Friendly Jew jokes

Mixed feelings about leaving Israel today, so I invented some friendly Jew jokes to cheer myself up.

They are all very offensive - not to the Jewish people, whom I love, but just because of their staggeringly poor quality that will almost certainly offend your good tastes. Especially the rubbish one about the snail, which is just wank.

Some of these may exist elsewhere on the internet (I gave up googling my comedy gold a long time ago, it was too depressing), but I'm confident that the more insane and convoluted ones are my own creation.

1. What do you call a bereaved son of Israel whose tragic tears moisten the lawn?

A: Mourning Jew (morning dew).

2. What is the Jew's favourite song on The Who Sell Out (1967)?

A: [It] is 'Rael' (Israel).

3. Where does the Hebrew snail live?

A: Shell 'ome (shalom. Terrible).

4. What is a Jew's favourite meal to eat while flying around in a helicopter carrying out exciting humanitarian challenges against the clock during the festival of lights?

A: Hanukkah rice (Anneka Rice - requires knowledge of retro British TV show Challenge Anneka).

5. What is the Jew's favourite astrological sign?

A: Torahs (Taurus. Alternatively: 'Oy vey go' (Virgo)).

6. A Jewish guy walks into a scientific laboratory, and he sees a sign for an experimental experiment that claims it can determine which branch of Orthodox Judaism someone belongs to by taste alone.

'Shalom,' said the Jewish guy to the scientist. 'I understand you can determine which branch of Orthodox Judaism someone belongs to by taste alone?'

'Zat ist correct,' said the scientist, who was inappropriately and racistly German.

'I fail to see the practical value of this,' the Jewish guy said.

'Be qviet and lick zis piece of litmus paper,' the scientist commanded, and inserted the yellow paper into the Jewish guy's mouth. When he removed it, the paper was a deep red.

'Ah,' said the scientist. 'I see you are an acidic Jew.' (Hasidic Jew - requires elementary knowledge of Orthodox Judaism and chemistry).

The Acidic Jew

The Acidic Jew II

I hope you enjoyed my rubbish, borderline racist jokes. I'm heading to Egypt next, an Islamic nation, so you can similarly expect to see 'friendly Muslim jokes' popping up at some point in the future.

Don't hold your breath.

Novel progress: 10,627 words (21%)

1 comment:

  1. Oh great - the images I linked to in an older blog have now all vanished, thanks to Blogger screwing that blog up and deleting all my hard (admittedly not backed-up and quite rubbish) work, and their staff not being able to tell me what happened.

    I will keep the sad exclamation marks as a reminder to back up this blog regularly, ready for its own inevitable demise.