Ranking Wallace & Gromit

Aardmania likely comes and goes, and our household caught the '95 wave. I loved the ingenious inventor with his low-key ambitions and his astonishingly mute companion, but then, like Mr. Bean, these childhood favourites went into indefinite storage and I never thought to spare any idle half-hours revisiting them in the decades since, until it became time to pass things down.

With an open mind to modern rubbish, here are my Top 5 Wallaces & Gromits.

Babyliography LV

Ana Martín Larrañaga, Opposites

2011 / Board book / 10 pages / Spain

**

An impulse purchase for 49p, even though her board book shelf is already full to donating point. Words don't make for the funnest slide reveals, but they'll be here when she learns to read, unless they won't.

Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler, The Gruffalo

1999 / Library book / 32 pages / UK/Germany

****

After various spin-offs and cash-ins, it was nice to get a chance to read the actual story. Official finger puppets and activities kept her engaged at library storytime, let's see how they fare with non-franchised ones.

Dr. Seuss and Quentin Blake, Great Day for Up

1974 / Library book / 36 pages / USA/UK

***

I don't know why the good doctor didn't feel up to illustrating his own automatic writing, but Quentin Blake does an admirable interpretation.

Rachel Bright, Love You Hoo

2017 / Library book / 32 pages / UK

**

She's always drawn to owls, maybe we should get one. This was low on plot, high on sap.

Britta Teckentrup, Oskar Can...

2018 / Library book / 32 pages / Germany

**

So? Those aren't impressive feats, mate. Though I suppose you are a bird, fair enough.

Alrightreads: Films II

George Gipe, Back to the Future

1985 / Audiobook / 248 pages / USA

***

This infamous early draft adaptation is an interesting glimpse into a parallel universe, but there's no way the screenplay was ever this relentlessly over-explained. It should really have Eric Stoltz on the cover.

Melvyn Bragg, The Seventh Seal (Det Sjunde Inseglet)

1993 / Ebook / 69 pages / UK

****

Celebration more than explanation, the irrelevant personal anecdotes were a welcome detour from the usual annotated synopsis.

Ryan Gilbey, Groundhog Day

2005 / Ebook / 96 pages / UK

****

Bigs up the subtly subversive mainstream romcom and reveals the alternately weirder and pandering alternatives we were spared.

Gary Gerani and Robert V. Conte, Star Wars: The Original Topps Trading Card Series, Volume One

2015 / Ebook / 548 pages / USA

***

Maybe best known today for featuring Threepio's infamous full-on robot chubby, this archive captures the original wave of fanaticism, before sequels and a franchise diminished the wonder and cemented terminology and spellings. As with other books in the series, the commentary is a mix of relevant insights and rambling digressions.

Unknown, Disney Frozen II: 500 Stickers

2019 / Sticker activity book / 32 pages / UK

*

There are only so many times she can do the same My Little Pony activities (you'd think), but these fresh challenges were postponed until lack of discounted alternatives made purchase inevitable. I could see in the shop that most of the puzzles were too advanced for her age and abilities, but it took longer to notice that the stickers play no part there and aren't even adequately sticky for pimping potties and pencil cases. It's almost like you could slap Disney characters on any old shite with no consequences as parents would still buy it even against their better judgement.

Babyliography LIV

Polly Dunbar, Something Fishy

2018 / Library book / 32 pages / UK

**

I like to break out of the toddler stacks, but there's not much point reading this to someone who can't work out the unspoken scenario for themselves, and it's not a situation she'll experience. I'm not going through all that again. Still, a cat craving and graphically eating a fish helps that inevitable conversation along. Attenborough next.

Unknown, Pokemon: Where's Pikachu? – A Search and Find Book

2019 / Puzzle book / 32 pages / UK

***

Licensed Where's Wally knock-offs haven't moved on in the quarter century since Where's Sonic. Pretty spreads, but why do they all take the simplified route? Give the kids some credit and their parents more peace.

Jo Lodge, Chomp! Chomp! I'm a Shark!

2022 / Library book / 10 pages / UK

**

Several species of sharks chomp and perform less exciting movements. Producing so many minor variations on the same book to cater for kids' differing taste in predators is evidently a good business model.

Martin Waddell and Patrick Benson, Owl Babies

1992 / Read by a bloke on Teletubbies / 32 pages / UK

***

Abandoned babies learn to be self-reliant.

Various, The Hutchinson Treasury of Stories to Read Aloud

Collected 2003 / Hardback / 324 pages / Various

*****

What a keeper. Early favourites:

• The Letter (Frog and Toad Are Friends)
• Titch
• The Stinky Cheese Man
• Harry the Dirty Dog
  

Alrightreads: Films

Michael Bonifer and artists, The Art of Tron

1982 / Ebook / 63 pages / USA

***

The pictures are too small and optimised to make it a luxurious art book. It's more a general making-of that naturally emphasises the pioneering visuals, because what else is there?

Christopher Brown, The Official Ghostbusters Training Manual: A Guide to Catching Ghosts

1985 / Ebook / 24 pages / USA

**

The corny conceit for a picture book, interesting merely for being early Ghostbusters merchandise for kids, before we became the prime targets and they really went to town. The Class Five Full Roaming Vapor was already tipped for breakout stardom. Winston does not feature.

Tom Ryall, Blackmail

1993 / Ebook / 96 pages / UK

***

Primarily the historical context for the early British talkie before the customary linear commentary on every choice made. It repeats the same points over and over, film criticism is a piece of piss.

S. S. Prawer, Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht

2004 / Ebook / 88 pages / Germany

***

Like a fool, I'd watched the arty vampire remake without contemplating its basis in Silent Generation trauma and cosmopolitan psychogeography. Whether insightful or over-the-top, it was nice to revisit futile academia without the pressure.

Various, Planet of the Apes: The Original Topps Trading Card Series

2017 / Ebook / 480 pages / USA

***

Sparse trivia accompanying repetitive imagery, especially when it gets to the TV series, but I love that these paltry exhibitions exist for those who really care.

Babyliography LIII

Unknown, Spot's Slide and Seek Funfair

2021 / Library book / 10 pages / UK

**

Not the old-school Funfair one with flaps that was actually by Eric Hill, but a new generation of more annoying and ridiculously obscured push/pull tabs, most of which just extend the scene unremarkably.

Pippa Goodhart and Nick Sharratt, You Choose

2003 / Library book / 32 pages / UK

****

We'd read the Peppa Pig bastardisation previously, and it unsurprisingly works better without awkwardly-appropriated branding. She has plenty of multiple choice in her daily life already, from breakfasts to playgrounds and library books, but she seemed to enjoy making endless inconsequential decisions with no apparent logic. It's a shame they don't conglomerate into a unique story at the end, but it's not like it's on a computer, is it? Hang on, maybe that's my job.

Ingela P. Arrhenius, Where's Mrs Queen?

2020 / Library book / 12 pages / Sweden

*

I didn't choose it. In her defence, she thought it was some kind of princess book.

Jo Lodge, Snap! Snap! I'm a Crocodile!

2022 / Library book / 10 pages / UK

**

Animals open and close their mouths and flick their tongues a bit. Scrapes a point for comparatively obscure wildlife, there aren't enough piranhas in toddler literature.

Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler, Tales from Acorn Wood: Cat's Cookbook

2021 / Library book / 12 pages / UK/Germany

***

A cat and mouse learn how to conduct research. The foreboding undercurrent sadly came to naught when they ended up making macaroni cheese, but this is a pretty good series as they go.

Alrightreads: Creepy

Various, The Creepypasta Collection: Modern Urban Legends You Can't Unread

Collected 2016 / Audiobook / 301 pages / Various

***

Variable works by passionate weirdos, collected in a book with credited authors, like horror stories would be, but we mustn't call them that.

Faves: Max Lobdell's 'Teeny Tiny' & 'Licks from a Bear,' Matt Dymerski's 'Psychosis'

Various, The Creepypasta Collection, Volume 2: 20 Stories. No Sleep.

Collected 2017 / Audiobook / 304 pages / Various

*

Distinctly cheesier and less accomplished than the first helping, which is more in the spirit, really.

Faves: Ashley Franz Holzmann's 'Slumber Party,' Vincent V. Cava's 'Neptune's Fancy'

Various, The Best of /r/LetsNotMeet, Vol. 1: The First Four Years

Collected 2015 / Ebook / 42 pages / Various

***

"Creepy" reddit has long been my read-only trashy magazine fix, but it doesn't adapt well to print, especially when the volume is as slight as the content. A few classics though.

Various, No Sleep: The Creepiest Tales, Real Life Encounters, and Paranormal Experiences Contributed by the Reddit Community

Collected 2015 / Ebook / 111 pages / Various

***

Not a bad collection, and the less worthwhile posts are short and skimmable, but if you're going to copy and paste a bunch of favorite posts, why not share your whole archive? I should have kept my own.

Jan Pieńkowski, Haunted House

1979 / Ebook / 12 pages / Poland

*****

The pop-up book perfected, around the level of WereBears on the list of things I wish I'd had as a child. Sadly too irresponsibly disturbing to add to the family library just yet, but bookmarked for future corruption.

Alrightgames: Political Map of the World Puzzle

Educa Puzzle 1500: Political Map of the World

2020 / Jigsaw puzzle / Spain

****

I picked the worst year to get back into jigsaws, but this was still too tempting jutting out of the charity shop shelf. The flags mini game passed a few hours, I'll get back to you about the rest in a few years. A dangerously inaccurate historical map would have been prettier, but I can imagine that a vaguely contemporary one will have educational benefit, if I end up using this as a punishment tool. You can go out when you've done Argentina.