Sometimes readers are inspired or annoyed by my adventures and like to get in touch. Here are my profane answers to your inane questions.
Q: Hi, great blog! How can I contact you?
A: Please don't.
Q: Hi, great blog! Would you be interested in letting advertisers spam your page, or in publishing shit, sell-out guest posts?
A: Fuck you.
Q: Hi, great blog! Would you like to visit my personal, non-corporate blog or add me on some vapid social network?
A: I have no interest in your life.
Q: Hi, great photos! Can I pretend I took them and use them for my business website/brochure or sell them as wallpaper?
A: Just kidding, those thieving bastards never ask.
Q: Hi, great photos! Can I use one for my personal, non-corporate blog/book/presentation?
A: If you credit my blog, no problem.
Q: Cool, thanks! Do you have a higher quality original of this photo I like?
A: The originals are long since deleted or downsized out of practical non-sentimentality. Blogger is the best you'll get.
Q: I enjoyed reading about this thing/place. Can you help me with directions/prices/other information I can't be fucking arsed to find myself?
A: I have no interest in helping you.
Q: What does 'flaneur' mean?
A: Why is it more efficient to type that into the comment box, go through the spam verification and check back at a later date in the vain hope of an answer than to just type it into Google? Knobhead.
Q: Hi, great photos! Is that thing real?
A: That depends. If I put in a joke photo or Photoshop job it's intended to be bleeding obvious, but there have been cretins who thought I actually saw Stargates in Egypt.
Q: Hi, great photo! Is that a [describes the thing that it is]?
A: Obviously. Do you have eyes?
Q: Which Ninja Turtle is the best?
A: Donatello.
Q: How do I become a freelance writer?
A: I've wasted a lot of time trying to help people get started in the career that's brought me freedom and fortune over the last four years, but they've always failed due to a lack of competence or lack of motivation to leave behind their daily grind or unemployable hell. So now I have no interest in helping you.
Q: Will you lend me money for my studies / hospital bills / family business / workshy lifestyle?
A: Never fucking again.
Q: Hi, I went to this place too. What did you think about it?
A: There is some fucking writing up there.
Q: Hi, I went to this place too or I am from this place. Did you go to this other place that's nearby?
A: If you scrolled down the page you'd see a big photo of it, twat.
Q: Hi Dave, you don't know me but here is my irrelevant name and introduction. I am from a country that isn't the one you are writing about here. Have you been to my country?
A: There's a list of countries on the right, what kind of question is this anyway?
Q: Is this what you're actually like, or are you doing some sort of theoretically amusing character?
A: You'll have to work that one out for yourself, poo face.
