In light of the revelation that "pizza" is actually code for trafficked children, I had to confront my own troubled past and cast a critical eye over one of the defining cartoons for the Millennial generation (and possibly subsequent batches): the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (or Hero Turtles if you lived in the molly-coddling EU).
From exhaustive analysis of the opening title sequence, supplemented by memories of scattered episodes that I used to have on video, it's now clear that this series' twisted agenda was to brainwash children into being willing slaves for the Satanic paedophile elite.
The insidious mantra that opens every episode insists that viewers recognise the characters' lack of development.
The word 'teenage' is used ten times in all, if you include the title cards (also one instance each of 'teens' and 'boys'). 'Heroes in a half-shell' is used three times, making it clear that they're not fully matured and haven't 'come out of their shells' yet.
Why is it so important that we're made aware of this?
"Hey, get a grip"
What is this, Pixar-style innuendo that knowing adults can laugh along with? At the very least, child viewers in the UK and some other European countries were spared this particular nugget of brainwashing, as all scenes of Michelangelo using his nunchaku were edited out of the intro and episodes.
I used to think this oddly specific weapon paranoia was pathetic over-reacting. Only now do I realise the BBC were doing what they could to protect us from the predators. Thanks, BBC!
"When the evil Shredder attacks..."
As a consequence of the edited intro, British kids were "treated" to more shots of the baddies, including this disturbing one of the Turtles' relentless adversary Oroku "Shredder" Saki watching them from afar. So it's swings and roundabouts (which your children should never, ever play on).
Shredder's goal is to capture and symbolically "destroy" the Turtles, having taken over the once-honourable Foot Clan and turned it into an organised crime and paedophilia ring to serve this end. This is expanded on in the 1990 film I think?
"Splinter taught them..."
Hamato "Splinter" Yoshi is protecting the youngsters from the attentions of the Shredder, while making them strong enough to resist him.
There is some ambiguity as to whether Splinter is in fact grooming his adopted children for his own ends, but the fact that he's so repulsed by pizza seems to indicate that he's on our side.
The bandana code
But if the Turtles are the innocent victims, why do they wear colour-coordinated bandanas, arm bands and leg bands informing in-the-know onlookers of their preferred sexual kinks?
These colours aren't random. They are in fact using the once-secretive 'handkerchief code' practised by New York's horny homosexual community at the time.
In combination with the intro narration, we learn everything we need to know about what floats each Turtle's boat... or what their sensei intends them for.
|Blue (Light)||Oral sex|
Leonardo makes it clear that he's a top. You know you'll only be giving, not receiving.
Contrary to his straight, slightly nerdy persona, Donatello is a devotee of the latest innovations in sexual gratification. All that time in the workshop is spent seeking new levels of ecstasy.
I was never sure of this lyric. Both are appropriate, really.
If you're not convinced by now, I don't know what more you need.
The Fifth Turtle
One of the show's more deliberate winks (they get off on teasing us) was the story of Zach, a fan of the Turtles and member of their in-universe fan club who got the chance to meet his heroes in the episode 'The Fifth Turtle.'
Zach has no father figure in sight, is implicity being abused by his older brother, and in one scene literally hides in the closet while pretending to be a toy. Easy pickings.
During the episode, Shredder commands his mutant henchmen to "seize the boy." He ends up getting rescued by the Turtles, of course, and Master Splinter seems particularly happy with the new arrival.
Splinter: "We have decided to make you an honorary Turtle, Zach. You will always be welcome in our lair."
What about April?
The Turtles' human friend doesn't even get a mention in the title sequence, which is a bit odd. I used to assume it was because the audience was almost entirely boys and April was just the rubbish woman one, but what if it's a deliberate cover-up?
April is a reporter for the fictional Channel 6 News, whose life gets a whole lot more dangerous when she insists on investigating the spate of crimes perpetrated by the Foot Clan (and we know what their chief focus is).
She's repeatedly captured by Shredder and his goons for her dedication, which in the real world could only have ended in a tragic Jill Dando-style assassination cover-up. In the fictional and highly symbolic world of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, April remains a yellow-jumpsuited glimmer of hope for abused minors everywhere.
yellow canary/miners parallel? no cant think
One more thing
Do I really need to point out that the Turtles are reptiles (who occasionally disguise themselves as humans to walk among us), or that Shredder's puppet master Krang is an interdimensional alien? This is bread and butter stuff, people! I suppose that's code for something sick as well, is it? Fuck's sake.
Boycott pizza! Even the actual food. Join the witch hunt! We know your game, Annunaki scum.
Next Time: Why is a cat so crazy about "lasagne?" Garfield brought to justice.