Friday, October 22, 2010

Travel safety

Shoe-based incidents aside, I haven't run into any problems so far on my World Tour, but imagine how different things could be if I were a woman.

Are you imagining it? Arousing, isn't it?... No? No, um, I didn't think so either, I was just joking or something.

None of the female solo travellers I've met have run into any problems with strange men (until they met me at least), but I can understand how the universal presence of dickheads puts many women off heading out on their own.

To help out my sisters (not literally, I don't have any - that explains a lot), I've developed a Female Solo Traveller Safety Kit that I hope to patent when I can be bothered. It features items that women can wear or otherwise absent-mindedly leaf through, when the possibility of a dickhead manifests itself in the hostel lounge.

Obviously, to call it a safety kit would be a dead giveaway, so for the outer packaging a more subtle approach is needed.

Property of Hammond Research Labs


1 wedding ring - an old favourite, but we're just getting started
1 signed photo, angry man - a head and muscular torso shot of a seriously angry looking man, signature reads 'See You Very Soon Babe - Stan x'
2 jars Thrush 'n' Go - or some similarly direct name to give men the message
1 pamphlet 'Adult Bed Wetters: Am I Normal?' - similar principle
1 Holy Qur'an - mock-dogeared with many passages furiously underlined
1 torn notepad page of men's names, top five scribbled out - includes several Drs., one Prof. and ends in 'FATHER'
1 packet adhesive snot trails - oh come on, you get this far and then object?

The only problem I can foresee for women who flash this otherwise impenetrable collection is that it will make them insatiably fascinating to strange and obsessive people like me, which could open a new can of worms entirely.

And I guess people could be offended by the defaced Qur'an. Or the dubious taste of the whole thing in general.

Damn, looking out for people is tough!

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